Sesshoumaru reads my fics
by Gesserit
Summary: Parody of what would Sesshoumaru say if he ever read my fics. FUNNY funny Kags is embarassed and he's having a blast!Should have been an oneshot... uhm...twoshot?
1. Sesshoumaru reads my fics

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AN: Oh, this is just some silly parody thingy I wanted to write. Sesshoumaru is a big ass whatever at his multinational company and he's bored. So he reads my fanfic about… himself!! I guess it's kinda funny…

What do you think? RR if you want.

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Sesshoumaru reads my fanfics

Sesshoumaru sat down at his office and pulled open his laptop. Another day at work. Sometimes he got so bored of working with all these inefficient humans. They always complained that they had to eat every day, sleep every day… For Kami's sake, by night time they were as useless as a dead body!

"Uh…" he sighed, casting aside a strand of hair from before his eyes. He took a long look at the empty desk… There was nothing to do just yet. He frowned a little… This couldn't be, he was always swamped in paperwork. He pushed the button in the intercom and spoke softly:

"Higurashi-san, is there no paperwork this morning?" A feminine, serious voice responded after a click.

"Not yet, Sesshoumaru-sama. The Board is dragging the negotiations for the takeover. I will put you up to date as soon as the situation clears." Sesshoumaru raised an eyebrow.

"Be sure that it doesn't take as long as it did the last time, I hate delays."

"I know." she said in a sympathetic manner, seemingly aware of the fact that his staff stepped on Sesshoumaru's toes more often than not.

Sesshoumaru pulled his finger from the button, and laid back on his seat. Higurashi Kagome was maybe the most effective human he'd known. Aside the fact that she needed nourishment daily.

"Hn." he mused, wondering how he'd come to think of that. Looking at the desktop image of his laptop, he got an idea.

"Let's see what they write in the papers about me, lately." he said to himself, and did a Google search with his name. An unimaginable list of features appeared on the screen, and Sesshoumaru widened his eyes.

'Kami… These humans sure assume a lot.' he thought, being known the fact that he rarely made any press comments, so they couldn't quote him on anything really. They were simply speculating about the private life of one of the most powerful men in the country.

As he wet through the titles, sometimes smiling faintly, other times raising an eyebrow in intrigue or even disgust, Sesshoumaru found he was having great fun with reading some parallel universe which contained detailed information about his own life. he bent to take a better look at his own name written below the link. With a shrug, he clicked the link and found himself thrown into some wide database of… drabbling!!

"What the…" he browsed and browsed, until he reached this fanfic called "The other hero". Author, some weird gal Gesserit. What kind of a name is that, anyhow? So, just because he had nothing else to do, he started reading. And he read the first few chapters, frowning all the way through, with each chapter deeper and deeper.

"What a load of crap…" he said slowly, as he came to realize he was reading some sick love story about himself and his adoptive daughter. And his secretary was paired with… this was too much!! None other than his half brother, Inuyasha. Sesshoumaru laughed, and he laughed so hard that on the other side of his door, Kagome thought something had gone terribly wrong with her boss.

"Sesshoumaru-sama, are you…" she peeked through the cracked door, and saw a weird image. Sesshoumaru was picturing a wide smile and he was reading something…

"Oh, Higurashi-san, please come, I'd like you to read something." Kagome walked to his desk, drenched in confusion. This was new… Sesshoumaru almost never smiled at all. Now he was laughing!!

"Come, come, don't be shy." he said, and pulled Kagome by the wrist, urging her closer. The young woman widened her eyes at the unexpected contact, and thought it should be damn good for him to react like this. She bent to read the lines, and she continued to read for a few minutes, as her eyes widened more and more.

"This is…" she unfolded a finger towards the screen, giving Sesshoumaru an almost scared look.

"It's…" she couldn't find the words to say it.

"Crap. You can say it." he continued, and Kagome covered her mouth with her hand.

"Sesshoumaru-sama, you shouldn't pay attention to…"

"No, no, on the contrary, Higurashi-san…" he cut her word "I'd very much like to meet this… person who could have such a vivid imagination as to portray me as Rin's… lover. Kami…" he shook his head, and smiled at the screen again. Kagome was standing by his side, still confused about his reaction.

"These stories are not…" she began, but then she noticed that he was reading another one. "Unliving"

"Unliving? she said and grimaced. The very first lines drew her attention and she was caught. By the time she'd finished the first chapter, Sesshoumaru was staring at her, and she was as red as blood.

"Masaka… " she said, cupping her own cheeks, and giving Sesshoumaru a scared look. He, however, seemed to enjoy the entire thing.

"Well she had the youkai part right, but… You're a reporter, and I think I'm well on my way to becoming a vampire, Higurashi-san. How about that?"

"This is not acceptable." she said, and skipped a few chapters to read a more advanced one. After a few minutes, she went red with embarrassment.

"Oh, this is new…" Sesshoumaru said, a wide smile on his face.

"Do you think I could do that?" he grinned and his fangs shone. Kagome almost melted with embarrassment. He was her boss for seven years, but never had he joked with her like this. The scene was indeed very… descriptive, and she began to feel out of place reading it with him.

"We'd better… see to… our business, Sesshoumaru-sama." she managed to say, and took a step back. Sesshoumaru shook his head lightly, but continued to read, while smiling. She was just standing by his side, not having been dismissed. She was traditional.

After a few more minutes, which passed like a hundred years for her, Kagome could hear Sesshoumaru mumble.

"Hmm… this is really… Higurashi, come look at this. It says here that I just rip your…"

"Sesshoumaru-sama, STOP! I cannot take any more of this nonsense! May I be excused?" She was red and teary-eyed, but Sesshoumaru was having the time of his life.

"Of course." The woman nodded, and exited like a tempest, leaving her boss to watch the closed doors with some sort of amusement on his face.

"These humans don't know what's fun… Now… I ripped her shirt off, and then what? Maybe I could learn a thing or two from this girl. She's definitely not right upstairs though." he mused, and continued to read. He didn't like the fact that that crazed girl had made him a vampire though. What did he need that for? He was perfect…

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AN: I hope you've at least smiled once. I meant to write this a long time ago, and I just did it in twenty minutes, on a break. I thought it would be funny to see how Sesshoumaru would laugh his ass off reading my stupidities. Well, got it out of my system…


	2. Sesshoumaru calls me at home

Sesshoumaru calls me at home

I heard a funny noise coming from my desk, and I couldn't quite place it. It was a very unnerving buzzz-buzzz-buzzz, constant and irritating. I crack my eyes open and look at the clock on the wall just in front of me. It's 7:50 am.

"What the hell…." I mumble and force my eyes open. That damn sound wouldn't stop.

"What the fuck's that sound?..." I mumble again, getting more and more annoyed by the second. About the time I got ready to yell at whoever made it to freakin' put a cork in it, I realized it was my phone, on silent alarm, buzzing its guts out on the wooden desk.

"Pfiu!!" I go, and roll my eyes back, falling backwards on my pillow. Whoever wanted to talk to me at this time of night could wait. So I closed my eyes and smiled in appreciation of what I thought would be the rest of my night's sleep. And NO, before nine am is_ not_ considered morning.

As I laid in my fluffy bed, almost drifting off to sleep, that idiotic phone was still ringing. Still. Ringing. Buzzz-buzzz-BUZZZZZ!!!

"Good God, what could be so important?" I get up very angry and grab the phone from the desk, looking at the screen. Sadly, I'd gotten up too hastily and now I was dizzy. So I answer without seeing who the caller actually is. It doesn't matter anyway, whoever it is, he was rude to call me at this time of night.

"What?" I snap on the phone, raising my hand to my forehead. I was feeling really _really_ dizzy.

"Hello. Is this… Miss Gesserit?" a deep voice rings in my ear, and I frown.

'What the…" I think, and clear my throat.

"What?!?" I go, my voice almost reaching the ceiling, it was so high.

"Are you the person I am inquiring about?" the man said, very calmly. Apparently, he wasn't too disturbed about my edgy attitude. I shake my head, trying to gain back my sight. The blurry vision finally stopped.

"Could… Could you repeat that?" I say, my nerves beginning to crack and soon to be disintegrating. I wanted to _sleeeep_!!

The man on the other side of the line seemed amused, somehow. What the hell was so funny?

"I asked if the person I am speaking to is Miss Gesserit. Or, in other words, is this your penname, Miss?"

My red alert turnes orange. Which is actually very close to red. Which is bad. In that instant, I was sure the folks from ff net just tracked me down because I wrote a very bad lemon, and they wanted me dead. But almost instantly, I figured nobody would go through all that trouble to track me down. I was virtually no one. Or… almost.

"My penname. You know me by my penname?" I asked, and the man laughed out his word.

"Yes."

"Then… how did you get my number?" I ask, beginning to fell a little uneasy.

'Great going, I managed to stumble across some maniac!'

"Your friend gave it to me." that deep voice almost sounds familiar, but I can't quite place it. Maybe it's the guy from the other night, at the club. But… he would know my real life name, right?

"What friend?" I ask, passing a hand through my hair. It's tangled and I pull out some hairs.

"Ouch."

"Careful there." he says, very kindly. That voice… where have I heard that voice?? I must admit, it was really sexy, very deep… Just how I like it.

"One of your friends. I do not remember her name."

"Well then, you must not be very interested in me. Bye-bye!" I say, and hang up the phone.

"The nerve of these guys… Geez…" I say to myself, and turn to get into bed again. However, the phone begins to buzz again. And again. And again. I look at the small object moving across the tabletop, and I wish this guy would just drop dead.

"Urrgh!" I pick up the phone again, and I say sweetly:

"Stop stalking me, freak, or I'll bust your ass…"

"Not ladylike if I may say so." he answers. That calm of his sure is difficult to break.

"Look here, mister. I was asleep. I am tired, and I have no time for chit-chat. Whatever you wanna talk about can wait. Okay?"

"Do you not want to know who it is that had disturbed you at his time of the morning?" the deep voice inquires. A chill runs down my spine and I get all shaky for a second or two.

"This hour does not count for morning." I reply with some amount of nerve, shifting my weight on one leg.

"I see. Would it be appropriate if I call you later, then?" I frown at his question. The guy sure doesn't lack manners. His words are perfect, his phrasing as well, and that voice would be enough to get any woman high. The type of guy you'd wanna have phone sex with. You could get off just be hearing his voice. I realize I'm blushing.

"Damn it…" I whisper.

"Excuse me?" he says, but I shake my head and clear my throat.

"Oh…nothing." I hurry to assure him. But the phone sex thing still ligers inside my dirty little perverted mind, and I can't stop smirking.

"I was just… Never mind." I hear him huffing out a short laugh. A_ sexy_ short laugh. Okay, now that I had got into the sexy thing, I couldn't stop. Stop. Just stop. I take in a deep breath, and let it out silently.

"It's quite alright, I am fully alert now." I imitate his talking manner.

"There's no way' I'll ever go back to sleep now, anyways. Better get it over with. So. Who are you again?"

"My name is..."

"Oh, don't tell me." I cut his sentence short.

"You're that guy Elena wanted me to meet right? Oh, I just realized it now, she's a loony, throwing my number all over the place…"

"No." this time I had been reduced to silence.

"Oh. Sorry." I close my big mouth shut and bite on my lips.

'How lame…'

"How old are you?" he asks, and I make a funny face. Too bad he can't see it.

"What? I'm not a minor or anything, you're safe." I say, a little amused.

"I was only asking because you hardly sound like 21 year old."

"Ooooh, so you _do_ know how old I am, you just wanted to know if _I_ knew, right?" I burst into a colorful laughter, but then realize I was being stupid, again.

"Sorry."

"Quite alright." he answers, and I get a revelation.

"Hey, you don't sound like the perverted stalking-girls-through-the-phone type! What's with…" I realize I hadn't allowed him to say who he was, or what he wanted, so it was really my fault he came out looking like a sick stalker. I blush again.

"My name, and I hope I will manage to say it his time, is Sesshoumaru…"

"Aaaah!" I cry out and try to sit on the edge of my bed, but fall off it, and hit my butt against the floor.

"Are you alright?" he asks, but I just stare at nothing.

"Did… Did you just say…"

"I said Sesshoumaru, yes. Are you alright?"

'Holy crap!!' I mouth out silently, my eyes wide open and my face red.

'Holy shit, crap, crap…. Oh my God, this is sooooo NOT happening!!'

"Yes. Fine. Really. Peachy!!" I say, banging my forehead against my knees a few times.

'MORON!!!!'

"Yes. May I ask of your real name, please? I'm sure it's not that… penname you have there." I'm limp by now, and I can't think straight. Sesshoumaru. I'm talking to Sesshoumaru. This has to be a dream. That's it. I'm still asleep. Wake up, stupid!!

But it's not a dream. The man on the other side of the line is waiting for my answer, and I can't remember how to speak. Surreal!!

"Roxanne." I say, and the tone of my voice clearly states just how stupid I feel.

"Good to meet you, Roxanne."

"Uh-huh." I mumble, but then I gat the crazy thought someone was maybe yankin' my chain. And that brightens my mood a little.

"Look. This is all very… improbable. Sesshoumaru hasn't got time to waste and he would probable give not a flying… fudge about me. So. Who are you again?"

"You see, this is the problem with being famous. Everyone puts words in your mouth, but no one actually listens to you." He sighs.

"I am who I claim to be."

"But… But…" I struggle to understand, but my mind won't work properly.

'Oh well… Stranger things might have been known to happen. I guess.'

"Why on Earth would you… Oh God, I've been so rude. I'm… I don't even know if I should apologize, I've been so off the charts…"

"Maybe it is best for a young woman to be guarding herself as best she is able to. I was not offended."

"Oh. That's… good."

"Do not worry, I have no intention to keep you from your… daily activities. I was merely curious." I swallow, knowing what was next, and praying I was wrong.

"How did you come up with those ideas?" Apparently, you never escape your fears.

"Uh… I just… thought. I really don't know. They just pop up in my head. They really do. But I didn't mean them to… "

He laughs a little, and I sink deeper in the floor, if possible. This is _so _embarrassing!!

"That relationship between Rin and I is rather ill."

"I know." I say, repenting.

"The story with Higurashi-san however... Hm. _That_ was interesting." My eyes widen.

'Oh. My. God.' I mouth again.

'Sesshoumaru's a perv!! He liked it!' But I only clear my throat, and say:

"Happy you enjoyed it. Did you read it all?"

"Everything you have posted so far. I believe it is not yet finished."

"Indeed." I answer, and he laughs shortly.

"That is one word that you people attribute to me more often than I use it." I shrug my shoulders, still a little shaky. This was unbelievable. I was speaking to Sesshoumaru on the phone. Nobody was _ever_ gonna believe me!

"So what did you think about the sex scene?" I put a hand over my loud mouth, not believing what had just come out of it.

'How could I ask him that? Am I nuts?'

There was an awkward moment of silence, before he answered. I wished then that I wouldn't have written that damn lemon. Maybe now I wouldn't have made such an ass out of myself.

"Aside the fact that I drank her blood, which I personally find quite disgusting, that is something that I picture myself doing." My mouth falls agape, and my eyes are half the size of my face. I bite my lower lip.

'Definitely the type to have phone sex with. _Definitely_. '

"Oh."

"Alright Roxanne." my name sounds divine out of his mouth. Okay I was daydreaming by now, but who the hell would know? Except every reader I have….

"I will not keep you from your sleep any further. I only wished to know you a little."

"Oh." I go again, and I realize I was probably the most idiotic person this man's ever talked to.

"Goodbye." he lets out a small laugh. I feel like a moron.

"I was very nice talking to you."

"Sure. Anytime." I manage to say, before he hangs up the phone. I can't bring myself to take it away from my ear.

"Huh….!" I go, a little pathetic I must admit. The dial tone rings in my ear, and his voice as well.

"Bye-bye Sesshoumaru…" I whisper, then roll back my eyes and throw the phone on the bed. I _cannot_ believe I behaved like the moronic half wit that I did!

"_This_ is my luck!" I say, spiteful, and fall on my back on the bed. But hey, I did get Sesshoumaru curious, didn't I? At least I have _some_ consolation…

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AN: So, do you believe me? Man, I knew nobody would!! Geez, you guys are just so mean!!!

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